{"id":9807,"date":"2021-09-07T17:08:00","date_gmt":"2021-09-07T17:08:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/cancerhopenetwork.org\/?p=9807"},"modified":"2023-01-04T19:32:00","modified_gmt":"2023-01-04T19:32:00","slug":"what-do-i-say-keeping-your-foot-out-of-your-mouth-when-a-loved-one-is-facing-cancer","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cancerhopenetwork.org\/blog\/what-do-i-say-keeping-your-foot-out-of-your-mouth-when-a-loved-one-is-facing-cancer\/","title":{"rendered":"What do I say? Keeping your foot out of your mouth when a loved one is facing cancer.","gt_translate_keys":[{"key":"rendered","format":"text"}]},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p> <em>While initial training starts the Support Volunteer journey, continuing education plays a key role in providing high-quality peer support for patient and caregiver clients. Our Hope Check: Volunteer Roundtables focus on critical topics and needs of the oncology community. Today, we share wisdom from a recent Rounds conversation.<\/em> <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Cancer is isolating and scary. For 40 years, Cancer Hope Network has trained cancer survivors to step into that fear, serving as mentors for newly diagnosed patients, providing comfort and companionship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>To folks whose primary experience with cancer has been seeing pro-athletes wear awareness ribbons or making gifts to a colleague\u2019s cancer fundraiser, the isolation often faced by cancer patients can be shockingly appalling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Jane, a longtime Support Volunteer, recognizes the fear that sometimes drives friends and family to disappear after a diagnosis is shared. \u201cI\u2019ve been both a cancer patient and a caregiver \u2013 most people if they find out you have cancer are either afraid or thinking \u2018thank god it\u2019s not me.\u2019 I was lucky to have very supportive family and friends.\u201d Russ found a similar experience when facing non-Hodgkin\u2019s Lymphoma, but he also found comfort in unexpected places. \u201cPeople are tempted to withdraw. They don\u2019t want to bring negativity. I tell the clients I mentor to be open. You don\u2019t know where your next bestie will come from. People you expect to be most helpful disappear. My brother called once in a year, but my neighbor down the street was also a survivor and I found myself sitting on the deck drinking iced tea almost every day.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large\"><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"800\" height=\"800\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cancerhopenetwork.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/09\/1.png?resize=800%2C800&#038;ssl=1\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-13480\" srcset=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cancerhopenetwork.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/09\/1.png?resize=1024%2C1024&amp;ssl=1 1024w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cancerhopenetwork.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/09\/1.png?resize=300%2C300&amp;ssl=1 300w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cancerhopenetwork.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/09\/1.png?resize=150%2C150&amp;ssl=1 150w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cancerhopenetwork.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/09\/1.png?resize=768%2C768&amp;ssl=1 768w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cancerhopenetwork.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/09\/1.png?w=1080&amp;ssl=1 1080w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\" data-recalc-dims=\"1\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>What Not to Say \u2013 and when to say something<\/strong><br>For friends and loved ones learning about a diagnosis, a fear of saying the wrong thing can be paralyzing. No one wants to be \u201cthat person\u201d who made a traumatic time worse. (Ovarian cancer survivor Gayle recalls people telling her that she \u201cdidn\u2019t look sick.\u201d Her response? \u201cYou don\u2019t look stupid.\u201d)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Discussing cancer, even a non-terminal diagnosis, often feels like a discussion of mortality. It\u2019s a difficult choice: avoid the topic entirely, making the patient or caregiver feel ever more isolated or lean into the awkward.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For patients undergoing treatment, the choice is simple. Saying nothing is worse than saying the wrong thing. \u201cThere\u2019s nothing that will make it all better,\u201d shared Rachel DiQuattro, CHN\u2019s Programs Coordinator and certified death doula who frequently leads support workshops. \u201cBe honest. It\u2019s ok to say \u2018I want to be here for you; I don\u2019t know how, but I want to learn.\u2019\u201d Perfection wasn\u2019t most important to Support Volunteer Greg as he cared for his wife. \u201cCare, compassion and trust are the main ingredients that allow errors to go by the boards. My matches today aren\u2019t based on technical expertise \u2013 but on solace.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large\"><img decoding=\"async\" width=\"800\" height=\"800\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cancerhopenetwork.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/05\/eHOPE-what-to-say-rounds.png?resize=800%2C800&#038;ssl=1\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-13478\" srcset=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cancerhopenetwork.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/05\/eHOPE-what-to-say-rounds.png?resize=1024%2C1024&amp;ssl=1 1024w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cancerhopenetwork.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/05\/eHOPE-what-to-say-rounds.png?resize=300%2C300&amp;ssl=1 300w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cancerhopenetwork.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/05\/eHOPE-what-to-say-rounds.png?resize=150%2C150&amp;ssl=1 150w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cancerhopenetwork.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/05\/eHOPE-what-to-say-rounds.png?resize=768%2C768&amp;ssl=1 768w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cancerhopenetwork.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/05\/eHOPE-what-to-say-rounds.png?w=1080&amp;ssl=1 1080w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\" data-recalc-dims=\"1\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Reaching Out in Meaningful Ways<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The group discussed four approaches to connect in practical ways:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ol type=\"1\"><li><strong><em>Communication<\/em><\/strong> &#8211; Once the initial conversation is complete, consistency can make up for any inadvertent slips of the tongue. Lung cancer survivor Bonnie begins her matches by listening \u2013 and then listening some more. In her \u201cregular\u201d life, she\u2019s supporting a friend long-distance by setting up a call chain to keep everyone informed. \u201cI can\u2019t be there every minute I\u2019d like, but I\u2019m offering continued support.\u201d Jane\u2019s check-in texts with a friend have turned into a nightly phone conversation. \u201cKnowing that someone else is going to call and check on you is especially good for long distance caregivers. It lets the person know you\u2019re thinking of them, gives them something to look forward to.\u201d<br><br><\/li><li><strong><em>Gifts<\/em><\/strong> \u2013 Breast cancer survivor Rachelle was especially moved by a friend\u2019s gift of an oncology massage. \u201cAs a massage, it wasn\u2019t great \u2013 but what was wonderful was having my body touched in such a meaningful, loving way.\u201d (Looking for other cancer-specific gifts? Visit our friends at Mend Together who provide curated gift options, along with a handy updater tool and (coming soon!) volunteer signups. cancerhopenetwork.org\/mendtogether)<br><br><\/li><li><strong><em>Acts of Service<\/em><\/strong> &#8211; For Jeff, who has survived multiple cancers, a kidney transplant and more, help has come in many ways. The \u201ctouch of compassion\u201d was particularly appreciated. \u201cSometimes, just a touch on a shoulder was so meaningful. Knowing that someone cared.\u201d Support Volunteer Rachelle treasured the people who showed up to drive. \u201cI don\u2019t drive. Rides were really essential \u2013 for chemo, radiation, acupuncture, even trips to the grocery store. People were very good about giving me food \u2013 but wanting to be able to make my own decisions about what I could eat was really important.\u201d She was also thankful for the friends who showed up with their sleeves rolled up. \u201cSometimes, the thought of doing the laundry, changing the sheets and cleaning the bathroom was just too much. Cleaning was a big help \u2013 I even had a friend who changed the kitty litter.\u201d<br><br>Patricia appreciated friends who gave a list of ways they could help instead of making her think of things she needed. \u201cIt\u2019s like sales,\u201d laughed Jeff. \u201cGive them a choice. Do you want me to mow the lawn or wash the dishes?\u201d<br><br><\/li><li><strong><em>Rallying the troops<\/em><\/strong><em> <strong>(Acts of service 2.0)<\/strong><\/em> \u2013 People want to help. For loved ones separated by distance, unable to stop by for a cup of tea, a batch of dishes or a ride to chemo, coordinating local helpers is a practical way to be helpful, as Rachel found when she started a spreadsheet of needs and the local volunteers to fill those needs. \u201cPeople want to help, but they don\u2019t know what to do \u2013 they need someone who\u2019s a little pushy to help them. I can\u2019t help watch her kids, but I can make sure someone goes over once a week to give her a break.\u201d<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Accepting Help<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For patients and caregivers used to taking care of things on their own, accepting help in any form may be difficult. But our Rounds group was quick to point out that helping is incredibly empowering for the people who are giving the help as much as the ones receiving the help. Give them the opportunity to help.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cAs a caregiver, you\u2019ll feel overwhelmed,\u201d Jane recalls. \u201cI tell them the mistake I made when Jeff was first diagnosed. I tried to do it on my own \u2013 and then it took a long time to accept help once I was overwhelmed. I tell them I made that mistake the first time around, but not the last time around. That was a lesson I learned, and it was a hard one.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Whether accepting or offering help \u2013 the thought really *does* count. Want to connect with a survivor or caregiver who\u2019s been there? Call 877-HOPENET (877.467.3638) or click <strong><a href=\"https:\/\/cancerhopenetwork.org\/get-support\/get-matched\/with-a-cancer-survivor.html\">HERE<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n","protected":false,"gt_translate_keys":[{"key":"rendered","format":"html"}]},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Tips on helping from cancer survivors and caregivers who understand. <\/p>\n","protected":false,"gt_translate_keys":[{"key":"rendered","format":"html"}]},"author":23,"featured_media":9808,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[31],"tags":[24,80,409,98],"post_folder":[],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v20.11 (Yoast SEO v21.8) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>What do I say? 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