{"id":3678,"date":"2019-08-13T17:32:20","date_gmt":"2019-08-13T17:32:20","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blog.cancerhopenetwork.org\/?p=3678"},"modified":"2023-11-10T16:09:03","modified_gmt":"2023-11-10T21:09:03","slug":"the-pain-before-the-pain","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cancerhopenetwork.org\/blog\/the-pain-before-the-pain\/","title":{"rendered":"The pain before the pain","gt_translate_keys":[{"key":"rendered","format":"text"}]},"content":{"rendered":"

A close friend\u2019s husband was recently diagnosed with cancer. They\u2019re saying maybe three, maybe four months. Which reminded me of my own husband\u2019s terminal diagnosis. I\u2019ve often thought,\u00a0Oh, how lucky was I \u2026 because we had the gift of time<\/em> to say everything we wanted to say to each other.<\/em><\/p>\n

But there was also the uncertainty. How do you even begin to prepare for such an unimaginable loss?\u00a0You see it coming as you\u2019re standing on the tracks, a freight train bearing down. But you\u2019re frozen in place, mesmerized by the light.
\n\"match<\/a><\/p>\n

And you know this rather large thing is going to hit you. And you know it\u2019s going to hurt. Significantly. But you can do nothing to move off the tracks. Or to change the trajectory of the train.<\/p>\n

How do you keep hope alive and yet balance it with realism?\u00a0I remember thinking ahead to Christmas plans that fall. Sun River, a mountain resort village just twelve miles from our hometown and medical care, was an option since we couldn\u2019t be with our kids. \u201cWouldn\u2019t it be fun to go to SunRiver for Christmas this year?\u201d I said to my husband.<\/p>\n

He didn\u2019t make it to Thanksgiving.<\/p>\n

Derek Thompson wrote a piece titled \u201cThe Secret Life of Grief\u201d that helped me understand what I was experiencing:<\/p>\n

\u201cHaving time to watch a loved one die is a gift that takes more than it gives.\u201d
\nThompson went on to explain what he meant:<\/p>\n

\u201cTo suffer a loved one\u2019s long death is not to experience a single traumatic blow, but to suffer a thousand little deaths, tiny pinpricks, each a shot of grief you hope will inoculate against the real thing.\u201d
\n\"eHOPE
\nIt\u2019s called\u00a0anticipatory grief<\/em>. And, oh, how it helped me to be able to name my mess\u2014to know that the uncertainty, the approaching freight train, the mesmerizing light are common among people watching a spouse, child, or parent fade a little more with each passing day.<\/p>\n

I got to exchange one hard traumatic blow for those thousand tiny pinpricks of pain as I slowly leaned into the inevitable, as I surrendered what I couldn\u2019t control to God and allowed Him to envelop me in His peace.<\/p>\n

This thought from Nanea Hoffman:<\/p>\n

\u201cSometimes grief is a friend you wish you didn\u2019t know but that you have to spend time with because love brought them along to the party. And the party was worth it.\u201d<\/p>\n

The party was absolutely worth it.<\/strong><\/h3>\n

For those who still have our most prized, irreplaceable loved ones with us, how might we best spend the time with them \u2026 while there is still time?<\/p>\n

Marlys Johnson is a cancer widow, author, speaker & blogger. We first met her through her work coordinating St. Charles Medical Center\u2019s Survivorship Program and her beloved husband, Gary \u2013 a CHN Support Volunteer for many years. Her passion for helping others navigate life\u2019s challenges inspires us every day and we are delighted to share her insights.<\/em><\/p>\n

To read more of Marlys\u2019 work \u2013 and discover her love of all things outdoors \u2013 visit her blog\u00a0Renew | Repurpose<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false,"gt_translate_keys":[{"key":"rendered","format":"html"}]},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

A close friend\u2019s husband was recently diagnosed with cancer. They\u2019re saying maybe three, maybe four months. Which reminded me of my own husband\u2019s terminal diagnosis. I\u2019ve often thought,\u00a0Oh, how lucky was I \u2026 because we had the gift of time to say everything we wanted to say to each other. But there was also the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false,"gt_translate_keys":[{"key":"rendered","format":"html"}]},"author":16,"featured_media":8632,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[31],"tags":[337,211,338,339,178],"post_folder":[],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nThe pain before the pain - Cancer Hope Network<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"A close friend\u2019s husband was recently diagnosed with cancer. They\u2019re saying maybe three, maybe four months. 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